The Mirror

Full disclosure: I have doubts about my relationship with God. It's really difficult to be devoted to someone you can't see. I mean, I see God's handiwork, His involvement and His protection often, daily even. But I can't see His loving eyes when I raise my hands in worship. I can't see His frustration when I am too busy to notice the opportunity to share His love or the Word with one of His children. Nor can I see the look of disappointment when I sin. Again.
When these doubts grow too powerful, when Satan begins to think he might have a way back into my heart, God puts that mirror right in front of me. In that mirror I see a girl that does not appreciate the day that the Lord has made. She argues. She justifies her crappy attitude and her misbehavior. She throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. She is a nurturer. She is stubborn and wants to eat only what is bad for her, not the good things that God put on this earth to nourish her. She is so beautiful that it makes me cry and it breaks my heart when she thinks that jacket that I bought makes her look fat. I look at that girl and get so frustrated, so hurt, so angry and so scared that she will never grow out of this.  
And then He reveals himself to me. I may not see his face but this feeling might be even more powerful. The girl in the mirror looks a lot like me, so I am told all the time. But she isn't me. Her name is Madeline. She looks like me. She acts like me. And all these feelings, good and bad, must be what God feels when He observes me, watches over me and tries His best to guide me each day. Don't get me wrong, I believe He handles those feelings much better than I do. But He has blessed me and cursed me with this mirror so that I can see what He sees, and perhaps catch a glimpse and feel just a fraction of what I do to His heart each day.

My Purpose, My Ministry

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. ~Ephesians 2:10

In the beginning of my journey, I knew that service would be a large part of my faith. I have a servant's heart, loving to do things for others, and as I fell deeper in love with Jesus, I wanted to do more to show him my love and gratitude. As I look around me, I see people going on mission trips to Haiti and others with full-time ministries. There are so many in my church family that seem to have it all together in that department. God has made his purpose for them abundantly clear. They know their role as part of Christ's body and they are thriving and changing lives in it.

So, what is my ministry? For awhile, I felt as if all I should do was serve within the church in roles that would not show my "entry-level" faith. Being so new to all this, I could never lead someone to Christ...that would be the blind leading the blind! Then I thought, maybe this blog is my ministry. There were several people that were touched by my experiences and it made me feel wonderful that I could be an inspiration to others and that I was somehow validated in my faith. But then my time with God took a much more personal turn, and because of that and some other issues within myself, I was unable to share what was going on with anyone other than my closest friends and family. Surely, if I could just drop my "ministry" like a bad habit then it couldn't be much of a ministry at all.

I've battled feelings of failure, feeling as if I've let God down. He gave me this gift and I was not using it. Instead, I was whining to him about not knowing my purpose. I was pleading with him to please reveal it to me. What important role would I serve in His Kingdom? Could I not be trusted with something grand? I'm a hard worker. I'm honest. I'm reliable. Why would he not reveal my "purpose" to me?!

I was discussing these feelings with my husband and he offered some wise and comforting insight. He said that maybe I was overlooking all of the ministering that I do daily. My influence has spread outside the walls of our house to so many more people than I realize. He used himself as an example. I led him into a deeper relationship with Christ than he had ever known. Because of that, he can now share his faith with others. I have shown the love of Christ to many in our family, of our friends, and to perfect strangers. Those small acts spread like wildfire. They ripple through time and space, with the full reach only being seen by God himself.

So as I read this verse in Ephesians, it hit me. I have read this many times before, but this morning it finally made sense. He created me to fill a position that only I could fill in His kingdom. By focusing so much on trying to find out what that was, and why it wasn't as grand as I thought it should be, I was missing opportunities. I was letting so much pass by. I was focused on trying to define my purpose and shamefully, I was focused more on myself that I was focused on others, and on Him.

I asked God to free me from that today. I asked him to help me see the "big picture". He has made it clear to me that my ministry is not defined to one place, or one group of people. To define it would confine it...and that would not be a grand-scale ministry at all. :)

SHINE

What one word would you pick to determine the course, the flavor, the attitude, the filter that you will look through in 2010? That was the question posed by Lisa and Eric on the K-Love Morning Show. I pondered it for a couple of days and kept coming back to the same word, the same song, the same scripture...shine.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light SHINE before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." ~Matthew 14-16

I have always taken pride in being a fairly happy, resilient and positive person. But what God has given me, what grace has given me, is something more and my life would be a waste if I did not share that. Since I struggle with "witnessing" to people, I believe that God is laying this word on my heart so that I might take the next step. He's telling me that I don't have to go out and preach on the street corner (He knows that's not my style), nor does He expect me to have the God discussion with everyone that I meet. I believe that He just wants me to SHINE, to allow everyone to see what it is that I feel inside. He wants me to show everyone what this feels like. Some of them might just ponder what it is and watch me for clues, others might want whatever it is and ask, and still others might find it annoying and bolt, but that's okay...another thing I've been working on :)

As I think further on this word and listen to what God is speaking to me, I think that this is my plan of action:

Show my light through everything that I do

Heed the guidance and instruction that God gives me

Inspire others

Negativity is OUT!

Eliminate the darkness

"Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you." ~Luke 11:36

This is my call to action for 2010--SHINE. What will yours be?

The Powerful Influence of a Father

I have heard it several times, most recently last night in Dean's sermon, that your relationship with your father will often be the most powerful influence in shaping your relationship with God. This is not to say that your father must teach you the ins and outs of the Scripture, nor that he must be the spiritual leader of your household, making weekly church attendance a priority (not that it hurts). Any father's objectives of parenthood should be (to quote Charles Dobson):

1. His children grow up knowing that they are unconditionally loved by him,
2. They must obey him.

My father was not a spiritual leader in my house, and for many years I was disappointed about that. My parents disagreed on whether or not I should be baptized as a child. I remember asking them at some point in my "tween" years if I had been baptized and the frustration I felt when my father told me that I wasn't because he believed that it was something that I should choose for myself. I can understand (and even appreciate) the desire for me to choose for myself but I could not understand why I was not taken to church or exposed to the options that I had for my salvation. I have forgiven my father for the lack of spiritual leadership, understanding now that God had a plan and maybe I just wasn't truly ready to take that leap until recently.

More than forgiveness though, I have to give thanks to God for the more subtle ways that my father ensured that my relationship with God would be what it is today. My father taught me what unconditional love was. Always supportive, yet not afraid to show his disappointment in a bad decision that I made, I knew that my father's love would remain unchanged. He wouldn't love me less and wouldn't look at me with any amount of shame once the lecture was over. And there were lectures. There was punishment and consequences that came with those bad decisions and moments of disrespect. It was made clear that although losing his love was not a consequence, my life would be very difficult if were to disobey his rules or expectations.

I have come to realize how transcendent those lessons are.

Dean emphasized the importance of children seeing those qualities in a father in flesh, that we might be able to believe that they exist in God. My daddy was (and still is) larger than life to me. If my dad was able to fix whatever I had broken (even my momma's heart) then what amazing miracles can my God work? His kindness, strength, responsibility to his family and his determination have shown me what a "good man" looks like. The open relationship that we still have helps me speak to God candidly, without fear of judgement.

I have always known that I was a lucky girl to have such a great father, but now I know just how blessed I am.

Christmas in a Whole New Light

The countdown to Christmas has officially begun and I have never been so excited about it! As I move further along in my journey I find that there is a new, more powerful meaning to the Christian holidays that have been commercialized beyond belief. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy shopping for gifts (and receiving them!) and the weekends that are packed with parties and get-togethers of all sorts, and even dragging down 5 boxes of Christmas ornaments, lights and knick-knacks, only to choose my favorites and pack the three boxes worth that are left back into the attic. My husband and I discussed our options for the ever-important Christmas dinner menu this evening and are looking forward to our annual Christmas shopping weekend in Cincinnati.
All of these things are exciting in themselves, but I am now seeing it all in a whole new light...the light of Jesus Christ. I am so thankful for that star that led the wise men to meet our Savior. I have always known the real reason for Christmas, but it isn't until now that I ever really thought about what my life, what our lives, would be like today if Christ had not been born to us so long ago.
In the midst of the debates regarding the most politically correct way to wish someone a "Merry Christmas," I obviously choose to say it to everyone I can. As someone that is still fighting the inner battle of coming across as "too Christian", I consider this to be open-season on spreading the Good News. Despite what the media might lead us to believe, in my experience, most non-Christians are not offended by the salutation, and in fact, it could end up being the opening line of my testimony. How exciting to think that in my dilemma of how to purchase presents for all the loved ones on my list, I could be giving the highest-priced gift of all, that just happened to cost me absolutely nothing...the gift of God's grace, paid for by Jesus Christ, and hand-delivered by me...I don't even have to fight the crowd at the post office ;)

If there are any objections

The sermon series that we have had going for the past couple of weeks now is "What's on Your Mind?" It's questions that have been asked by those that attend our church, and I'm also guessing, just about anyone that has considered becoming a Christian or felt the need to justify not being one. It has been very eye-opening, as I thought that I was soooo insightful and independent to have the following concerns with Christianity and religion...I soooo wasn't! I was just as much of a sheep then as I am now, I just chose a different Shepherd.

So, although I may have mentioned some of these in past blogs, let's review my oh-so-original reasons for not committing my life to God sooner...

I would believe the Bible if God had written it and not man.

It turns out that if I believed in God (as I always have) and believed that prayer would help me through my problems and decisions, then why is it so hard to believe that He might have had enough control over what went into it? I know there's that really big thing called "free-will", but make no mistake, it's nothing for God to make a manuscript disappear or place it just the right place that it would be found.

The stories in the Bible are just stories. They have good morals, but I don't think they actually happened the way they're told. At the very least, they've got to be hyperboles.

To be honest with you, the jury is still out for me when it comes to enough hard-science proof that it all actually happened exactly the way it's written. But when it comes to faith and the amazing things that I have seen happen in my life and in lives around me, I've got all the hard-evidence I need.

I'll go to Heaven if I lead a good life. I don't have to buy into the religion of accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior.

I wasn't baptized at a young age because of a disagreement between my parents and their families' beliefs on this subject. There was a time that I was bitter about that, especially because I was never taken to church and given the choice. Now, I'm glad that's how it happened. I'm a people-pleaser and a parent-pleaser, so I probably would have just chosen what I thought would make them most proud of me. But not now; I had to step out on a limb for this one. My husband and I had argued about going to church several times. I was being led to go and he was not. I finally told him that I had been invited by Tammy and I was going. I told him that it sounded like this was a lot different than what he had seen growing up. So, we went. The journey began.

On this journey, I have learned (without a single browbeating for being a sinner) that I don't really lead all that good of a life. God doesn't grade on a curve, so all those people that I look at and think, "Well, I'm certainly doing better than them," doesn't mean squat to God. In fact it's frowned upon by God as a form of judgement that I'm not entitled to.

What Dean said at the end really brought it home for me though. God let his Son DIE for us, so that we could be saved. Jesus was in agony, sweating blood, praying to God that if there was "any other way" besides this sacrifice to pay the debt of sin, then let's do that. Do you really think that God would let them crucify his only Son and then say, "Well, you didn't accept Jesus, but you were good so we'll let you in." Would God dishonor his Son like that?! NO!!!

John baptized people by free-will, in anticipation of the Salvation that was coming over the horizon. He died for me and all that is asked of me is the choice to love him and love others. That's all it takes to honor what He has done for me...and it's an honor for me to be able to do it!

Our church's sermons can be watched or listened to here: http://www.harmonychristianchurch.com/sermons.shtml

A Life Without Fear

I heard this question posed on the radio the other day...

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

I wouldn't know where to begin! Forget WHAT would I do, HOW would I do it?!

In this discussion, they were also talking about a book called Fearless by Max Lucado. (I have not read this book, nor any of his books, but I've heard he's pretty amazing.) But apparently, what he encourages you to do through this book is to replace your default reaction of FEAR with FAITH. Seriously?

The Bible mentions fear many times, in fact, the most common command from the Lord is, "Do not be afraid." I've read it so many times, heard it so many times, but on this occasion it hit me. I still make a lot of my decisions based on fear.

I may not let the fear stop me every time, but it is most definitely my default reaction. I wonder how many of my decisions would have been different had I just prayed, automatically. What if I had immediately asked God for His guidance, trusted him, and went with it? How much time have I lost? How much SANITY have I lost just fretting and stressing over the decision or its outcome?

I asked God to help me with this. And I have a feeling that this will be my prayer for a very long time--one of His "projects". Fear is an instinct, not one easily unlearned. I may never get rid of it, but my goal is to at least move it down on my list of reactions, and move faith UP.