The Powerful Influence of a Father

I have heard it several times, most recently last night in Dean's sermon, that your relationship with your father will often be the most powerful influence in shaping your relationship with God. This is not to say that your father must teach you the ins and outs of the Scripture, nor that he must be the spiritual leader of your household, making weekly church attendance a priority (not that it hurts). Any father's objectives of parenthood should be (to quote Charles Dobson):

1. His children grow up knowing that they are unconditionally loved by him,
2. They must obey him.

My father was not a spiritual leader in my house, and for many years I was disappointed about that. My parents disagreed on whether or not I should be baptized as a child. I remember asking them at some point in my "tween" years if I had been baptized and the frustration I felt when my father told me that I wasn't because he believed that it was something that I should choose for myself. I can understand (and even appreciate) the desire for me to choose for myself but I could not understand why I was not taken to church or exposed to the options that I had for my salvation. I have forgiven my father for the lack of spiritual leadership, understanding now that God had a plan and maybe I just wasn't truly ready to take that leap until recently.

More than forgiveness though, I have to give thanks to God for the more subtle ways that my father ensured that my relationship with God would be what it is today. My father taught me what unconditional love was. Always supportive, yet not afraid to show his disappointment in a bad decision that I made, I knew that my father's love would remain unchanged. He wouldn't love me less and wouldn't look at me with any amount of shame once the lecture was over. And there were lectures. There was punishment and consequences that came with those bad decisions and moments of disrespect. It was made clear that although losing his love was not a consequence, my life would be very difficult if were to disobey his rules or expectations.

I have come to realize how transcendent those lessons are.

Dean emphasized the importance of children seeing those qualities in a father in flesh, that we might be able to believe that they exist in God. My daddy was (and still is) larger than life to me. If my dad was able to fix whatever I had broken (even my momma's heart) then what amazing miracles can my God work? His kindness, strength, responsibility to his family and his determination have shown me what a "good man" looks like. The open relationship that we still have helps me speak to God candidly, without fear of judgement.

I have always known that I was a lucky girl to have such a great father, but now I know just how blessed I am.

Christmas in a Whole New Light

The countdown to Christmas has officially begun and I have never been so excited about it! As I move further along in my journey I find that there is a new, more powerful meaning to the Christian holidays that have been commercialized beyond belief. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy shopping for gifts (and receiving them!) and the weekends that are packed with parties and get-togethers of all sorts, and even dragging down 5 boxes of Christmas ornaments, lights and knick-knacks, only to choose my favorites and pack the three boxes worth that are left back into the attic. My husband and I discussed our options for the ever-important Christmas dinner menu this evening and are looking forward to our annual Christmas shopping weekend in Cincinnati.
All of these things are exciting in themselves, but I am now seeing it all in a whole new light...the light of Jesus Christ. I am so thankful for that star that led the wise men to meet our Savior. I have always known the real reason for Christmas, but it isn't until now that I ever really thought about what my life, what our lives, would be like today if Christ had not been born to us so long ago.
In the midst of the debates regarding the most politically correct way to wish someone a "Merry Christmas," I obviously choose to say it to everyone I can. As someone that is still fighting the inner battle of coming across as "too Christian", I consider this to be open-season on spreading the Good News. Despite what the media might lead us to believe, in my experience, most non-Christians are not offended by the salutation, and in fact, it could end up being the opening line of my testimony. How exciting to think that in my dilemma of how to purchase presents for all the loved ones on my list, I could be giving the highest-priced gift of all, that just happened to cost me absolutely nothing...the gift of God's grace, paid for by Jesus Christ, and hand-delivered by me...I don't even have to fight the crowd at the post office ;)

If there are any objections

The sermon series that we have had going for the past couple of weeks now is "What's on Your Mind?" It's questions that have been asked by those that attend our church, and I'm also guessing, just about anyone that has considered becoming a Christian or felt the need to justify not being one. It has been very eye-opening, as I thought that I was soooo insightful and independent to have the following concerns with Christianity and religion...I soooo wasn't! I was just as much of a sheep then as I am now, I just chose a different Shepherd.

So, although I may have mentioned some of these in past blogs, let's review my oh-so-original reasons for not committing my life to God sooner...

I would believe the Bible if God had written it and not man.

It turns out that if I believed in God (as I always have) and believed that prayer would help me through my problems and decisions, then why is it so hard to believe that He might have had enough control over what went into it? I know there's that really big thing called "free-will", but make no mistake, it's nothing for God to make a manuscript disappear or place it just the right place that it would be found.

The stories in the Bible are just stories. They have good morals, but I don't think they actually happened the way they're told. At the very least, they've got to be hyperboles.

To be honest with you, the jury is still out for me when it comes to enough hard-science proof that it all actually happened exactly the way it's written. But when it comes to faith and the amazing things that I have seen happen in my life and in lives around me, I've got all the hard-evidence I need.

I'll go to Heaven if I lead a good life. I don't have to buy into the religion of accepting Jesus Christ as my Savior.

I wasn't baptized at a young age because of a disagreement between my parents and their families' beliefs on this subject. There was a time that I was bitter about that, especially because I was never taken to church and given the choice. Now, I'm glad that's how it happened. I'm a people-pleaser and a parent-pleaser, so I probably would have just chosen what I thought would make them most proud of me. But not now; I had to step out on a limb for this one. My husband and I had argued about going to church several times. I was being led to go and he was not. I finally told him that I had been invited by Tammy and I was going. I told him that it sounded like this was a lot different than what he had seen growing up. So, we went. The journey began.

On this journey, I have learned (without a single browbeating for being a sinner) that I don't really lead all that good of a life. God doesn't grade on a curve, so all those people that I look at and think, "Well, I'm certainly doing better than them," doesn't mean squat to God. In fact it's frowned upon by God as a form of judgement that I'm not entitled to.

What Dean said at the end really brought it home for me though. God let his Son DIE for us, so that we could be saved. Jesus was in agony, sweating blood, praying to God that if there was "any other way" besides this sacrifice to pay the debt of sin, then let's do that. Do you really think that God would let them crucify his only Son and then say, "Well, you didn't accept Jesus, but you were good so we'll let you in." Would God dishonor his Son like that?! NO!!!

John baptized people by free-will, in anticipation of the Salvation that was coming over the horizon. He died for me and all that is asked of me is the choice to love him and love others. That's all it takes to honor what He has done for me...and it's an honor for me to be able to do it!

Our church's sermons can be watched or listened to here: http://www.harmonychristianchurch.com/sermons.shtml

A Life Without Fear

I heard this question posed on the radio the other day...

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

I wouldn't know where to begin! Forget WHAT would I do, HOW would I do it?!

In this discussion, they were also talking about a book called Fearless by Max Lucado. (I have not read this book, nor any of his books, but I've heard he's pretty amazing.) But apparently, what he encourages you to do through this book is to replace your default reaction of FEAR with FAITH. Seriously?

The Bible mentions fear many times, in fact, the most common command from the Lord is, "Do not be afraid." I've read it so many times, heard it so many times, but on this occasion it hit me. I still make a lot of my decisions based on fear.

I may not let the fear stop me every time, but it is most definitely my default reaction. I wonder how many of my decisions would have been different had I just prayed, automatically. What if I had immediately asked God for His guidance, trusted him, and went with it? How much time have I lost? How much SANITY have I lost just fretting and stressing over the decision or its outcome?

I asked God to help me with this. And I have a feeling that this will be my prayer for a very long time--one of His "projects". Fear is an instinct, not one easily unlearned. I may never get rid of it, but my goal is to at least move it down on my list of reactions, and move faith UP.

Surrounded by God

Again it has been awhile since I have written an entry, but God and I had some work to do on our own. I would say that part of the sabbatical was due to a technology issue, but I'm quite sure that God may have had something to do with that as well.

My renewal that I spoke about in my last entry was short-lived, I had to fight (and eventually submit) to truly feel as if I belonged in the arms of my Father. There's nothing like a return to the "old me" to show me how much I have changed throughout this journey.

At the beginning of this fight, I could not find God. I felt as if he had disappeared in anger over my actions. But as I opened my Bible, frantically searching for him and the scripture that I needed to fight, I found this...

"Submit yourselves then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." ~James 4:7

I was trying so hard to fight the devil on my own, to punch through him so that I could get to God, when all I had to do was just turn around. I don't have to fight him. I simply have to resist him. I just have to make the choice to turn to God, submit to him, and he will do the fighting for me. God doesn't leave us to fight on our own. He puts us where we need to be and surrounds us with people and opportunities that will show us his love, his grace and his support.

Through this I have realized that I am surrounded by God in all areas of my life. He has brought me to this place and woven such an incredible support system around me. I am a very independent person, determined to do everything on my own and intent on proving to others that I can handle whatever life throws at me. But as I look around, I see that I have at least nine women that will support me, hold me accountable, laugh with me and cry with me. I have a husband that is coming to be the spiritual leader of our family. I work in a department with people that are open about their faith and true in their values.

Make no mistake, I have not crawled into my little Christian cocoon, awaiting my transformation into a butterfly. I want to surround others, the way I have been surrounded and be that light of God in their life as well. The gift that I have been led to is so great that I want to "run back and tell the others". I'm not perfect. I'm not better than anyone else. I have had the opportunity to share these truths with others, and even that I have screwed up. But he loves me anyway and is sending me out to try again.

Renewal

The length of time between my posts alone will tell you that I need a renewal, a revival of spirit. Life has gotten busy and I have gotten lazy when it comes to God's word and his work. I didn't even feel like praying last night...what's that about?! But, before I kissed my husband good night, I decided that is exactly why I NEEDED to pray, so I did. Among other things, I prayed to God that he would renew my spirit and draw me closer to him.

As I am writing this post, it occurs to me that these short droughts in my spiritual life are always preceded by intense breakthroughs in my relationship with God. When I hear a sermon or read something that really speaks to me and kicks my intensity up a notch, he comes after me. Not God, but the devil. He sneaks in and begins to coax me out of the arms of my Father. He is so sneaky that I don't even know it's him.

And now that I have had this epiphany, I am happy. I am rejoicing and praising the love of my Father, that his ways are working in me. This means that even though I may have drawn away from him I can still hear his voice. And he doesn't have to yell this time, just a firm warning will do to bring me back to where I need to be. I can only hope that someday it will only take a whisper, and shortly after that, I will not stray at all because my instinct will be to stay right by his side.

As I do each time before I begin writing, I pray that God will show me what it is that he would like for me to say, to give me the words that someone else needs to read. I let my Bible fall open, figuring that it would open to Esther or James or John, to one of the books that I have spent significant time in. But tonight it opened to Ezekiel...one that I don't have a single mark, note or highlight in. 

So, I started reading it. Chapter One is really trippy, either Ezekiel is on some serious drugs, or God really revealed himself to him! As I skim the book (it's a long, very repetitive, one) I start to see some similarities in my current situation and the general state of this world in which we live. Complacency, idolatry and rebellion have taken over the hearts of the exiled Jews. God has given Ezekiel his words to speak to the Jews "whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious." (2:7) Then I come across one of the "featured verses" in my Bible...

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them, I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."   ~Ezekiel 11:19

I still marvel over God's power to show me exactly what it is that I need to see or hear. One of the other things that stands out to me is the repetition, over and over, of God saying, "This is what the Sovereign Lord says..."and, "they will know that I am the Lord."

So you said, and again I know, therefore I am renewed in my commitment to you...

My Prayer for Our Country

This weekend I was blessed to hear the Lord's Word from a petite, blonde, spitfire named Beth Moore. This is the second time I have attended her annual Living Proof Live event, although this time it was a simulcast rather than the real thing. It was an amazing lesson, based on Psalm 37. (I encourage you to read it.) All of the lesson was profound, but I don't think anything hit me like her explanation of Psalm 37:3...

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

The simple language of this verse might allow us to skim over the meaning and think, "Okay, so I need to be obedient, live here and he'll keep me safe...pretty sweet deal, right?" But as we learned, it is not that simple. It's not enough to just be obedient and BE good. The LORD calls us to DO good! After all, if I am an obedient little Christian and do what I am supposed to do all the time (which I surely don't) then what positive impact will that have on people? Oh sure, some might be inspired by my decent example, and if I'm being good then I'm not being bad, but is that really helping anyone? And is that DWELLING in the land, or just merely taking up space? 

If my child was about to do something dangerous, and I told her it was dangerous, but then didn't give her another option for her adventurous cravings, what would be the outcome? She would do it, get hurt, and I would be right. I would be right, but my daughter would be hurt. That does her no good. It harms the trust that she has in the protection that I am supposed to be providing. 

That's just how it is with so many people, too many people, in our country. We are horrified by the evening news and all of the stories of abuse of drugs, children and sex. We shake our heads in shame at the no good people that live on welfare or drop out of school or abort a child. We shout angry words at the TV when we hear about another blank check that the government is writing or another policy that they are trying to shove down our throats. AND WE ARE RIGHT!!! We know we are. We know this is not how it's supposed to be. It's not how God intended it.

And you would be right yet again. Because if we were "doing good" the way God says we should then government wouldn't have to step in. If we had true wisdom, that we can get if we will just ask God for it, then it would not have come to this. Because we would be serving each other, taking care of each other. Not judging the man (or woman) that asks for something that they either do not deserve or do not need, because that is not our job. Those people will be judged someday by the one and only judge.

 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, then considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.  ~James 3:17-18

My prayer for our country, and ultimately this world, is that God would help us lay down our anger and our need to be right. That he would bring a spirit of generosity that could out-give even the most generous government program. That our fear of someone getting more than their fair share would melt away as we are overcome with the fear that someone may not be going with us to the Promised Land. 

Slow Down

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. ~James 1:19

When my child stands on her bed, fully clothed, and pees and then tells me that I better clean that up...when she takes half-an-hour to clean up the bucket of coins that she dumped all over the floor...when my dog dumps over the trash can when I'm late for work...when the cashier at the store is too busy telling her life story to check someone out in a reasonable amount of time...This is the verse that I need to have tattooed to the inside of my eyelids.

I struggle with this one soooo much. And most of you that know me, probably don't see it. I'm the person that gets embarrassed when the person I'm with complains at a restaurant or store. I'm the one that can't stand it when people are rude or disrepectful to others. But I do lose it...when no one's watching. I lose it on my dog. I lose it (very occasionally) on my child. Nothing can stop me from passionately singing the latest worship song on K-Love faster than that chick in the silver VW going 25 mph on the rural portion of Newtown Pike (where the speed limit is 55 mph!). Would I ever beat my child or my dog? NO! Would I ever beat the lady in the VW, or even just curse her to her face? NO!

So why is it that peoples' opinions affect my behavior, especially my anger, but God's opinion doesn't? Why is it that their feelings are of deep concern to me, but I don't seem to care that my angry actions break his heart?

I pray that I would be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend and servant by remembering this verse...that I would keep in mind that although God is all-powerful, he is not beyond pain. His greatest joy is seeing me living his purpose and convincing others to do the same...and my anger, seen by others or not, is always a disappoinment to him.

My Transformation

Last Friday, I was thinking to myself, "My how my taste in vehicles has changed since my husband entered my life." Since I got my driver's license at 16, I have owned nothing but small cars; the largest was a Hyundai Elantra, if that tells you anything! I had company vehicles during my tenure at Pepsi, and those were small vehicles too, although I didn't have a choice in that matter. After I left Pepsi and lost the use of a company vehicle, my husband and I decided that it would be best for me to drive his "bought and paid for" '96 Chevy Silverado. It's guzzling gas and so we set out to find an inexpensive, yet reliable vehicle, that we could pay cash for. (yes, I'm a Dave Ramsey geek!) His father found me a Nissan Altima first. There were some outstanding issues with the paperwork, so he set out to find another option. He found a GMC Jimmy and I love it!!!

Who would have thought that the woman who dreams of owning a Mini Cooper one day, would be excited about a '95 GMC Jimmy?! Well, since my husband was brought into my life, I have a new-found appreciation for trucks...the weight and protection that I feel while driving them, the respect and not-quite-so curious look I get when driving the back-country roads in my work territory, and the ability to load up just about anything and get it where it needs to go. He brought that perspective to my life and I am grateful for the eye-opening experience.

This weekend, we started a new sermon series at church, "Transformed to be Transformers," which prompted me to also consider how I have changed since Jesus became a part of my life.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~Romans 12:2

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven. ~Matthew 5:16

I know that the fact that I'm even writing this blog is a huge transformation for me in the "do not conform" department. We had a guest preacher, a missionary from Haiti that said, "Be the thumb." If the palm of your hand represents the Earth and your fingers, the people, you be the thumb. You are there, on the ground (not high and mighty) working below to serve and help the others, but yet standing apart...looking different. I've never quite fit in the crowd, per se, but I do struggle with resisting the urge to conform. For instance, I still don't feel comfortable witnessing to just anyone, and maybe I never will. But it is comforting to know that it is enough for my God that I can serve him and my neighbors and let that be my way of drawing people closer to him.

Only God can judge whether the change in me is genuine or adequate, but I do strive to remember and live by the above scriptures. I pray that my transformation never ends, and that it is always as exciting as this phase of my transformation. But, if it is his will that the rest of my transformation is a long, lonely walk in the wilderness, I will praise him for what he has allowed me to do and be so far.

In the Scripture

I love it when I see a theme to God's message. It's as if he knows that he can't just come out and tell you something because you won't get it, or you won't hear it.
For awhile now, I have seen the patterns of need for prayer in my life and in my journey. If you've been following this blog, you know that I have gone from not being able to pray in front of anyone to praying in my LifeTeam, with my parents, with my husband and with my daughter. God has taught me bit by bit that this is one of the ways that I will strengthen my relationship with him.
Now, and I think I'm catching on a little earlier on this one, it's Scripture. "You can pray it, you can live it, but eventually you're going to run out of knowledge and motivation if you don't read it. And don't just read it, let it soak in," he says. But he doesn't say it, he brings it before me.
I think it started with Dean's series on the seven miracles in the gospel of John. That piqued my interest in the Word. Then, there was the realization that in all this talk of my journey, I don't quote any scripture. I don't care how fuel efficient your car is, you're going to have to refuel on your way across the country. As this nagged at me more and more, I decided last night to read at least a portion of the book of James. Dean had referred to James 1:2-4, Consider it pure joy, my friends, whenever you face trials of many kinds, Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Pereseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Hmmm...
Then, in our LifeTeam tonight, instead of watching our Beth Moore video on Esther we prayed (alot!) for the group members that were not able to be with us, for the family in our church that was struck this week with the tragedy of losing their son, and for anything else that we had on our hearts. AND WE READ SCRIPTURE. It was Tammy's suggestion, something that God had laid on her heart, and it fit just perfectly on mine as well.
So here are the two that really spoke to me...and in the writing of this, I just realized how closely they relate to the part of James that I mentioned earlier...

In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. ~Psalms 86:7

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him." ~Lamentations 3:24

So, I sure hope the Lord isn't foreshadowing and preparing me for something bad to happen in my life. Maybe He's just showing me what I need to know so that I can be of support to others. But I do know that he will be there through my pain, should it come. I hear it loud and clear.

How amazing is that...that we can know, without a doubt that he will not leave us? You never really know with people. Friends, family members, they can all leave our side in the blink of an eye. But the Lord, our God will be there ALWAYS. Comforting, healing, teaching and loving us the whole way through the storm.

I don't ask for people to pray for me very often, but I do have just one request...would you pray that the Lord would give me the determination to read the Word each day? That I would be given a time each day that I could read and reflect and pray? And most of all, that I would do it with a happy heart, truly seeking not fulfilling an obligation.

Jason and I signed up to help out with VBS since they were short on volunteers...the kindergardeners are kicking our butts. But I guess that's what service is all about...
235 kids learning about Jesus is a beautiful thing! I hope that I'm leading well, but it's kind of like the blind leading the blind...

A Very Happy Birthday

Tomorrow I will (God-willing) wake up and be 31 years old, and I will be completely happy about it! Over the course of the last few weeks, I have been realizing a feeling of contentment. I'm sure that this is a feeling that God has been trying to lay on me for years and years of my life, but I am so stubborn that I just wouldn't let it in. I couldn't wait for the day that getting a bigger house, complete with my dream kitchen, plenty of space to entertain family and friends (and don't forget the mud room!) would be a real possibility in my life. I couldn't wait for Maddie to be out of diapers so that we could have another child. I wanted to be thin again. I wanted to have a new car, rather than driving my husband's '96 Chevy Silverado that guzzles gas faster than Maddie chugs her milk every morning. But now, I don't know how it happened but I praise God that it did, I will go to bed tonight with a feeling of aaaaaaahhhhhhh...
This feeling of contentment, of wanting what I have rather than wanting something more, is truly amazing. It is the greatest birthday present ever!

Why?????

The "why?" game has officially been discovered by my two-and-a-half year old daughter. Every other conversation, especially one that involves me telling her to do something, evolves into either really creative banter or complete frustration, with me finally saying, "Because I said so!"
Does she ask why because she is really curious, or because she knows it pushes my buttons? Maybe she is trying to stall for time so that she doesn't have to do what I have asked her to do.

I was considering her motives and recalling one of our many recent conversations, when I began to wonder if this is what God goes through when we ask, "Why?" And maybe I play the "why?" game with God for the same reasons that my daughter does with me. Sometimes I am curious...Why am I here? Why am I so blessed? Why did you bring that person into my life? Why did you spare my life through all of the stupid things that I've done?

But sometimes I'm just being a brat, stalling for time or rationalizing why I shouldn't have to do what He wants me to do...Why do I have to tithe? Why do I have to love that person? Why do you forgive everyone (rapists, murderers, child molesters) that accepts your Son as their Savior? Why can't I judge them? Why can't you show me something miraculous, so that I know that it was you and only you that did it? Why does my friend have cancer?

God must be patient and perfect! Imagine the "why" questions that he fields each day. And we see the world as only our own world most of the time, not the lives of every Earth inhabitant over the span of time. Just as it is impossible right now for my daughter to understand why I have to go to work each weekday, it's impossible for us to comprehend God's reasons...but someday that will all be clear to her, and to us.

Share in my prayer...

I get a lot of prayer requests. Many come from the tight circle of my small group and others from friends and acquaintances that consider me "a good Christian" (whatever that means). So if you ask me to pray for you, there are a few things that you should know...
It's very difficult to remember them all, but it is in these times that I call on God to help me, because His memory is much better than mine! My husband prayed (in our nightly prayer session) that God would keep in mind the prayer requests that are given to us. I thought this was brilliant! I don't consider it a cop-out, but just insurance against human error. I can't even go to Kroger without my 5-item grocery list put into my iPhone, let alone remember the prayer requests that I acquired throughout the day. By praying this authentically each night, I can rest assured that God has heard my desire for these prayers to be answered.
The other thing that I have started doing is praying immediately after the request is made. This works best when it comes through email or text sometime during the day. I stop what I'm doing and say a short but heartfelt prayer. Rest assured that when I text you back that a prayer has been said, I have just said my closing, "Amen".
The last thing that you should know is that I don't necessarily pray for the outcome that you have asked for, nor do I ask God to bring my desired outcome when I pray about my own situations. I pray that His will would be done, but that we would find comfort in Him and we would learn from the situation if it does not end the way we wish. I pray that we will see His guidance clearly and that He will give us the strength to follow that guidance.
These methods of prayer are hopefully not disturbing to those that I pray for. They have allowed me to pray to more often, more genuinely and with much more joy in my heart.

Prayer has become a regular practice in my life. My husband and I fumble over the words less frequently as we pray each night in the dark, holding hands in our bed. My daughter sat with me while I frantically prayed that my mom would be healed and comforted by the Lord's touch when she fell in her driveway while we were visiting. I was led by the Spirit to pray with my entire family for safe travels and comfort for our hurting hearts, and I actually followed through with it!
I'm here to tell you that it gets easier. Try it when you feel led to do it. It's never as bad as you imagine it will be. Consider it an act of service to the person or people you are praying with...They will be so glad that it didn't have to be them!

Religion vs. Faith

At some indeterminable point along my Journey, I began the struggle with religion and faith. I may have mentioned this in an earlier posting, but I would like to revisit the topic at this point in my journey. (I have a feeling that it will be something that I constantly struggle with, if a little less as I go further along the way.)

My family and I are visiting my parents this week while on vacation, so I actually have time to READ! The book that I was prompted to read by some very dear friends of mine has turned this vacation into a spritual rejuvination that I never expected. In two days, I read The Shack by William Paul Young. To anyone that reads this blog and finds that they have much in common with it, please read this book!

As I discussed before, part of the reason I did not consciously begin my journey earlier was my aversion to religion and structure, and thou shalt not's...which if you know me at all, I'm a follow the rules, respect authority whether it makes sense or not kind of girl...but something really felt wrong about all of it. If my God, our God created us out of love and Jesus died for every one of our sins, then why do we have to follow all of these rules? Why do we have to dress in our Sunday best? Why all the rituals? Why all of the FEAR of disappointing God? (When we all know, or should know, that the only "one" disappointed is the prim and proper old lady in the front row that has a flask in her white beaded clutch.)

The truth, as I see it, is that all that doesn't matter. What matters is that we were created in God's image to be His children. To be loved by Him and to spread His love, not our religion, to one another. I have been so uplifted by my growing relationship with God. I have known grace, not guilt, through Jesus Christ. I have witnessed mountains being moved and assistance being sent from none other than God Himself, and most recently, I have heard the unmistakeable voice of the Holy Spirit, calling me to take a step.

As human beings become more and more enlightened, we see that religion doesn't matter in this relationship with God. Those of us that see that, take two paths...either we choose to make God insignificant in our life, punishing Him (and ultimately ourselves) for the sins of our predecessors, and never bother to know Him...or we chose to find a way that we can bond with Him, to feel his love and BE his love everyday.

The Shack addresses this topic, and so many others, more eloquently than I ever could. All I know is that as I read it, I felt that the words that were spoken by God (in several forms) were as true as the words written in red. I found my soul screaming "Yes, yes, that's exactly it!" as I read Jesus' perspective on man-made religion, institutions and politics. I found God's perspective on our judgement of each other and of Him, stinging and relieving at the same time. I can't wait to read it again.

I hope that people will comment on this post and this book, so that I might learn even more from it. To my two special people that I know have read it, we are sooooo getting together to hash through it! :D

My One Fear

The Lord has put it on the hearts of our church leadership that we should each actively seek (through prayer) one person to bring to Christ over the next year. I made a commitment to God that I would follow through on this mission for His sake, even though it scares me to death. But if I truly have faith in God, why should I be scared?
As I learned in the course of my Beth Moore Bible study, Esther, "do not be afraid" is the command that appears most often in the Bible. But this is probably the hardest command for me, and probably a lot of people, to obey. We are a bunch of control freaks walking around this earth, asking God to do this and take care of that, but then we worry and fret and hold back, not doing the things that we know we should do because we are afraid.

Afraid of what?!

Am I afraid of what other people think? Of what following what I am called to do will cost me? Afraid that I am misreading what the Holy Spirit is guiding me to do? Afraid of failing God?
YES, YES, YES, and YES!

But then, I stop and think it through...Who, of those people that I am afraid of, can save me? If I don't follow Him, and don't do what I am called to do, then what's the point of my life? If I misread what He is saying, do I really believe that He will move on and guide someone else to do it instead? And finally, if God lets me fail, then what kind of God am I worshiping and do I even have any faith at all?

The truth, as I try to remind myself when the Devil creeps into my thoughts, is this...I was made in God's image, to lead people to Him, and not only will I not fail Him, He will not fail me.

The card that I drew for this commitment to Christ is a tough one. I have doubted several times that I "read" the card right. But, each time I have brought my doubts to the Lord in prayer, this person has randomly shown up in my life again. It has strengthened my faith so much that I believe that this mission is just as much about my growth as it is about bringing my "one" to Him. I am still scared, but I see the Lord working to chisel away at this fear piece by piece. And to see someone that I care about, especially this tough case that I have drawn, come to Christ, would be a miracle on earth.

The other 166...

I was listening to K-Love today and heard the DJs talking about "the 166"...There are 168 hours in a week. We spend roughly 2 hours of that in church. What are we doing with the other 166 hours???

• Are we carrying that sermon with us?
• Are we focused on living like Christ?
• Do we live in prayer as we advise others to "pray about" whatever is troubling them?

I am uplifted in church. I sing passionately, take notes in my sermon journal, and discuss the topics with my husband over brunch. But do I live each hour as passionately, with as much thirst as I do in church. Honestly, no. But I make that choice each hour, each situation. I usually know what I'm supposed to do, and if I don't, I know I'm supposed to pray about it.

Those notes that I wrote during the sermon, the scripture and quotes that really spoke to me, the ones that seem as if it was God saying "Michele, THIS is what you do in this situation. THIS is how I want you to see your life, yourself, others, your purpose, etc." Do I even open the book any other day but Sunday? Do I read the Bible each day and pray for God to reveal himself to me?

Sometimes I patiently wait for the person in the car in front of me to figure out where they are going and sometimes I cuss them as I jam on the gas to go around them. Sometimes I let those frustrating moments pass, sometimes I let them get me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and sometimes I ask God to move the mountain that lies ahead of me...and he usually does! (And if he usually does, why don't I ask more often?)

The truth is that I am learning. I am practicing. I find myself pausing for a split second to decide whether I should take it to God or handle it on my own, whereas two years ago, I barreled into every situation (or cowardly ran from it) according to my own feelings and judgement. More and more I choose to take it to God. As I grow through Christ I find that He has a much better track-record than I do. And if I don't take it to Him the first go 'round, I'm usually returning to Him for forgiveness or asking Him to mop up the mess that I have created.

When I heard the question about the 166, I immediately began to doubt myself. I just knew from the get go that I was not doing all that I could to bring Sunday to each day of my week. But then my best friend and my child's day-care mom called to tell me the most beautiful thing. She was singing "Motions" by Matthew West (a Contemporary Christian song) and my daughter reacted as if a light bulb went off in her head and she said, "My mommy sing that song and her smile!"

So maybe I'm not living like Christ everyday, but I'm trying. And my daughter sees it. If that is God's only purpose for me, to show my daughter and teach her how to follow not in my footsteps but in Christ's, then that is good enough for me. And while I still struggle with each of the 166 hours that I am not in church, the important thing is that I return on the 167th to try it all over again.

Prayer...the ultimate test of intimacy.

Have you ever prayed with anyone? Not silently, in church, after we take communion. I mean, have you ever prayed WITH anyone? I'm the one who lets everyone else pray. They always have something more appropriate to say. And, while I am learning more and more about the Bible everyday, I wish I could quote scripture the way my friend Connie does...she is such a prayer warrior! It's so difficult to find the words when you're on the spot like that. I would much rather write, when I can use the backspace button as many times as I like and no one will be the wiser.
My husband and I each belong to our own small group or "Life Team" as our church calls them. I have been with the most ecclectic, yet wonderful group of women for well over a year now, whereas my husband has been with his for about a month. His is led by our preacher, so he gets homework, whereas mine is a little more laid back. :D
Anyway, his homework was to pray with his family. We say grace every night. DONE, right? No, he says, we have to pray together, not just the pre-written "God is great, God is good..."
And I'm smiling as he tells me this because I'm really nervous--I don't pray out loud in front of other people. Then he tells me that he was supposed to do it for homework the week before, but he didn't because HE was too nervous...phew! You must understand, my husband is the eternal salesman and, in his own words, lacks the filter that most of us have between our brains and our mouths. So to hear him say that he was nervous made me feel much better about my own insecurities. (Only two people have the address to this blog right now...that's how big of a wuss I can be!)
Why is it such a big deal to pray with other people, especially the person that supposedly knows everything about you? It's a level of intimacy beyond anything I have ever experienced. Maybe it's because I know that God really knows everything about me, even the things that I won't admit or don't know myself. And I'm worried that somehow that knowledge might be shared with my husband as he listens to me speak to God. I know that God loves me unconditionally, but can my husband? No! No one can have love as perfect as God's.
We took the leap though. I requested that we pray in bed, once the lights are off, so I won't be so self-conscious. (Sounds like something else is about to happen for the first time, right?) Then I choked...I couldn't find the words to start. So my husband, spiritual leader that he is trying so hard to be, says one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. I did add a few tidbits of my own when he was finished...baby steps! But now it's like the ice has been broken. We have crossed a threshold of intimacy that just days ago I could not have imagined.
I can't wait to see where we grow together...

I saw God today

I had the pleasure of being blessed with a wonderful day at work! I teamed up with a colleague to try to get some new "accounts" for the non-profit organization that we work for. We took a drive east and visited the great little towns that nobody knows about that are just hiding in the mountains, not wanting to be discovered. Also hiding in these small towns are some people with VERY big hearts. They are willing to do anything they can and give anything they have to take care of their neighbors. They make the time to sit and talk with you, knowing that in the end you are going to want something from them. Because that's what they want...another opportunity to help.



I am so grateful for the opportunity to meet, work and LEARN from so many generous and caring people. These are the types that motivate me and remind me daily that our mission, and my part in it, is worthwhile. They are a living example of the kind of person that God wants me to be.



Then there were the views that only God could have created. As we drove the winding back roads from town to town, we would almost hold our breath, waiting for the view that would be revealed through the break in the trees ahead. The green, leafy, tree-covered mountains of Daniel Boone National Forest extended as far as the eye could see...God's country.



We rounded another curve and felt the temperature drop as we descended into the valley. We were shaded by the exposed rock face that reminded us that just a couple of decades earlier this road wasn't here. We could feel a slight rise in humidity and smell the freshness of the water that was still running down the side of the mountain after the intermittent rain that we have been cursing for over a week. We were reminded that these views and this amazing sensory experience would not be near what it was had we not received the gift of plentiful spring rain.

Absolutely divine...I saw Him today. I saw Him everywhere.

The dilemma of organized religion

So the next step in my journey was to approach my husband about going to church. He wasn't crazy about the idea. And to be honest neither was I. But, I wanted to have an appointment with God. One that was set each week for me...because the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and I "intended" on reading the bible and seeking my own personal relationship with God. But I know me. I procrastinate. I don't always follow through with my self-imposed deadlines, rarely in fact. But a deadline or appointment set by someone else, I am on it! Anyway, I wanted to get to know God, wanted to be able to teach Maddie about Him, but I didn't want all of the "religion" that was undoubtedly going to come along with going to church. I wanted faith, wanted to feel good, be uplifted, but I didn't want to be a "sheep".
There's the dilemma people...we ARE sheep when it comes to our relationship with God and our shepherd, Jesus Christ. One of the most meaningful sermons I heard at our church finally got me to lay this inner quarrel down. I still don't want to be a sheep in the sense that I blindly follow whatever interpretation of scripture that is handed to me, but I do sucumb to being one of Jesus' sheep. Sheep need a shepherd because they will continue to do the same thing over and over again, go to the east looking for water when they have been to the river day in and day out and it's always been to the west. They will starve, and become dehydrated and die without a shepherd to lead them to their most basic needs. And I was starving! Starving for understanding, security, something to help me raise my child in the turmoil of this world.
I have taken many mindless detours off this journey to Christ...going back to some of my old mindsets, behaviors and obsessions. And I always will. But each time I attend that Sunday service, each time I hear the prayers of the women in my small group, each time I volunteer in the nursery with my husband, I am proud to be one of His sheep. Because I have learned that even though I need this herd, and more importantly this Shepherd, to keep me from blindly walking over the edge of the cliff, I am not just anyone. He knows me by name. He works miracles in my life. He listens to me and teaches me, even when I am too stubborn to listen. He follows me, even as I follow Him.
So many people say that they believe in God but do not join a church because they don't like organized religion and they don't like hypocrites. I was one of them. But the truth is that we need that structure to grow as Christians. It's so hard to hear God on our own, whether the problem is our ears or what's between them! We need to be surrounded by His people so that we can truly get His message. You may hear it from someone that is truly righteous, or you may see it in someone that is not...sometimes that is just as motivating. But being there, surrounded by His people, encouraged by those that are further in their faith journey, and excited for those that aren't is what grows you enough to want to share it.
I vowed that I would not be one of those hypocrites. But in order to do that, I need to be willing to share the love that I have found (and am still learning about) with others. Since I haven't reached the point where I feel comfortable "witnessing" to others face to face, this is where I will start. This is my baby step. I urge you to join me. We are all Christ's children, and as you will hear in this song, "Jesus paid too high a price to pick and choose who get's to come."
Who's coming with me?

In the beginning...

I was raised on the East Coast in a loving family. I have two parents that are still together, after more than 30 years of marriage, and a sister with a heart of gold. My family didn't go to church on a regular basis. We were what some might call "Chreasters"--we went to church on Christmas and Easter. My life was not completely devoid of Christ, but he wasn't on the forefront of our minds either. We were raised with basic Christian, and in my opinion, common decency principles...don't lie, cheat or steal. Work hard and act responsibly. Do unto others, etcetera, etcetera.
I wasn't baptized because my parents denominations did not agree on whether I should be baptized at birth or be left to make the choice on my own. I went to vacation bible school a few times when I stayed with my Grammy in Ohio. I went to church occasionally after sleepovers with my friends once I hit middle school/high school age. Usually Catholic...there were lots of Catholics. I joined UMYF in my sophomore year of high school and went on several retreats and participated in Appalachian Service Project. In all these exposures, I don't remember anyone "inviting" me to get to know Christ and accept Him as my personal Savior. Church was an obligation. Youth group was a social event.
And anyway, I hadn't survived any particularly tragic events, hadn't suffered any traumatic abuse, hadn't even grieved the loss of a loved one...so, why would I need Christ? Better yet, why would the Lord, Jesus Christ, even bother with me? With so many injustices, illnesses and tragic excuses for life in this world, surely he's got something better to worry about than helping me through my ordinary life.
Nothing drove me to Him. No one told me I wouldn't go to Heaven (except the crazy Bible-beater on the corner by the library at UT). Besides, everyone I knew that was "religious" was weird. They didn't cuss, didn't drink (not even a drop), and couldn't have a conversation without mentioning what God had "told" them to do. I've prayed before. I pray now. Why isn't God's voice CLEAR to me? He must not feel the need to advise me, after all, as I said before, he's surely got something better to do.
And then it went beyond me. I got the fear. I had my first child and I looked in her eyes...and I saw Him. He was all over her. I love my husband; he is a wonderful man. I'm surely not the best, but not too bad either. But there is NO WAY that we made this beautiful, perfect, little girl on our own. There is no way that she grew inside of me, with all ten fingers and ten toes in the right place, because of something that we did. Her toes would have been on the wrong feet, or something would have been forgotten. But it wasn't. He made her. I remember thinking...now we have to raise her. This perfect little child will be raised by two imperfect people. I will undoubtedly screw this up somehow. I have got to do something. We have got to get help. And that is what drove me to Him...